Ep. 17: The Balance of Emotions
IN THIS EPISODE:
- How life is 50/50 negative and positive
- Embracing the negative
- Feeling more peaceful
- Choosing your feelings
- Click here to schedule free consult
Hellllo ladies! Are you ready for today? I am.
I am so excited about today’s topic.
It’s funny – sometimes people aren’t really sure what I do as a life coach.
Well – some family members think I’ve joined a cult because they are not sure..lol.. while others think I tell people to just think positively.
Neither is quite the answer…lol.
To put it simply – I help people get results in their life they haven’t been able to get on their own. It’s not always about just being happy.
And that is what I want to talk to you about today.
We call this idea the Balance of Emotions.
So in order to know happy for example, we must know sad.
It’s understanding that the human experience is designed to be made up of half “negative” and half “positive” emotions and that this duality adds value, meaning and depth to our lives.
Take a moment to really think about this.
My mentor Brooke talks about how life is 50/50 – 50% is ass, and 50% is good… sounds fun right? lol
I used to always think we should be positive – but you know what happens when you think that?
You end up fighting against what is.
Byron Katie has a great quote – she says – when you argue against reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.
Let that sit in – it’s so true right?
A lot of the women I work with are super driven, but feel such anxiety throughout their day.
And they are constantly thinking it should be different.
They don’t want to feel anxious.
But that usually causes additional negative feelings on top of already negative feelings.
What I see happen is we don’t think something should’ve happened and we don’t want to feel the feelings associated with it, so we either resist resist resist – or maybe just have another drink so we don’t have to deal with it.
But then the extra drinking causes more negative emotions – maybe guilt or regret – the next day.
What I’m suggesting is we become willing to accept and feel the first round of negative and maybe we can cut back on the second wave.
And think about growing up – we are never taught this concept.
How quickly do we try to make kids feel better when they start crying?
As if they shouldn’t be crying – I mean – listen, I’m guilty of this too – even now – and I don’t have kids but that is my quick reaction – like – oh no – don’t cry – what can I give you? Lol..
I am such a crazy aunt..lol..
But what if crying IS allowed?
What if it is ok to feel all of our emotions?
Because here’s the thing – our feelings always drive our actions.
The reason we do anything in life is because of how we think it will make us feel – or in order to avoid a feeling.
I want to break this down for you step by step.
When I am working with clients we use a tool called The Model.
It is an amazing tool for you to see how your thinking creates the results you have in your life.
Today I am going to begin with the first 3 steps of the Model because I want you to see how we get to your feelings.
My mentor Brooke developed the organized way to look at the Model – but the concepts are from a number of people – it is basically the Think Feel Act cycle if you are familiar with that.
So – we start with a Circumstance.
Now circumstances are always neutral. They are facts – and a good way you can think about it is – it can be agreed upon in the court of law.
The world presents with circumstances, and we interpret them a certain way.
Circumstances are what I mentioned earlier with Byron Katie – we may try to argue against them, but we truly do not have control over them.
Now – what we do have control over, is how we think about, or interpret these circumstances.
I will caution – when you are new to this work it is easy to confuse a circumstance and a thought.
I was looking back not too long ago at some of my early work and had a number of instances where I wrote down a thought, thinking it was a circumstance.
Often the reason is simply because we have thought the thought for so long that it seems like a fact.
This is why coaching is so powerful – it allows you the chance to have someone show you your brain without any ties to your story.
So, a thought is a sentence in your mind, about a circumstance.
With me so far?
The thing is – so many of us go through life not even thinking about what we are thinking about right?
We are just on automatic pilot – “living the dream” we tell ourselves.. but not really ..lol.. that’s why we are doing this work …
When you start to dive into your thinking you may be able to see the contrast of thoughts – so there is always an alternative option.
For example – let’s say you have a rock.
The rock will be our circumstance – we can all agree what a rock looks like.
Now – some of your may think the rock is dangerous because it could be thrown at someone and cause harm, and others may think the rock is a beautiful part of nature.
I want to give you a couple more examples to understand the difference between a circumstance and a thought.. it’s so important.
Another circumstance could be – it is currently 42 degrees out.
Now my thought is – it’s a beautiful day.
My mother in law however, who is in Florida, will likely think it is freezing.
And you know what else is just a neutral circumstance?
The wine for example, just sits there.
What are all your thoughts about the alcohol is the question?
Because however you are thinking about it, will determine the next part of the Model – your feelings.
Remember I said your feelings are so important to all you do.
A feeling is simply a vibration in your body.
You know, at first I thought that definition seemed a bit woo woo for me. I mean – because I didn’t really grow up talking about our feelings..
It was easier to avoid them, so I never really understood what “a vibration in your body” meant..lol..
And maybe because I’ve had a career in the medical field, but what resonated more for me what that a feeling is literally a chemical response in the body.
Think about when you are stressed – lol.. I’m sure all of you know what I’m talking about here.. so we know cortisol is released when you are stressed. It is actually often called the stress hormone, it is realeased and triggers a response which may be in increase in your heart rate, and blood pressure, tightening in chest – those are the vibrations.
I encourage you to start paying attention to how you feel, and see if you can identify the thinking behind the feeling – you will be fascinated.
OK – so so far we have Circumstances are neutral, thoughts can be contrasted, and cause our feelings.
Which brings us back to the balance of emotions.
For so many of the women I work with wine is the go to in order to avoid the stressful feelings – we just want to take the edge off right ladies?
Because we don’t want to feel the anxiety – or stress – however it presents for you.
But what if – now hear me out here – what if you thought you could handle the stress, and didn’t’ need the 2 extra glasses at the end of the night?
Think about it – a feeling is not going to kill you.
You can handle any feeling.
When you start to recognize that you will be more willing to embrace the negative feelings, and when you do that, you begin to balance the emotions – because you are not resisting them, thinking they shouldn’t be there.
Ok – I have another visual for you.
Think about a fancy cocktail party.
Now imagine those silver platters they pass the horsd’oeuvre on.
I want you to think about all feelings available to you in this world – all on that platter.
Which ones would you choose?
And I want you to consider truly having the opportunity to embrace all of what it means to enjoy the full human experience.
Here’s the thing – sometimes I want to be sad.
If my dog dies – I don’t want to choose happy for that.
Can you think of a person that seems happy all of the time? Like really happy?
I think those people are a little weird and creepy hahah.. because how can you always be happy?
Well – I guess if you are a sociopath you might never experience negative emotions, but I’ll say sign me up for sadness vs that..lol..
The key to reaching a Balance of Emotions, is to understand nothing has gone wrong.
It is ok to feel a negative emotion.
When you understand it’s just part of life, you can release the extra negative feelings of trying to escape it (with drinking more) and you don’t have to use the extra energy to spin it to a positive light.
You can stop using your energy to fight against what you think should be, and embrace what is.
I really want you to be willing to be open to this – it can change everything.
See – sometimes we think we are entitled to an easy life, but I think if that were the case we wouldn’t be where we are.
I don’t think its supposed to be easy – and that’s ok.
Because ladies – we have handled a lot of things in life that are not easy – and we have survived.
This week I encourage you to take the time to think about what you could create with the energy you currently using to either fight against what is, or buffer your life away.
Imagine what you would do in the world if you were willing to just feel a little uncomfortable as you make your way to your dreams!
It really is possible.
Ok – that’s what I have for your today my friends. Listen – if this podcast is resonating with you and you want to take it to the next level we should totally hop on a call. We will take a look at where you are, where you want to be, and how we could get you there. It’s the first step in making the transformations you desire. I’ll put the link in the show notes.
Thank you for listening today and let’s circle back next week – make it a great day – take care!