Ep. 15: Dinner Drinks & After Shifter
IN THIS EPISODE:
- How to deal with drinking, sales dinners and after shifters
- Making decisions ahead of time
- Having control of your drinking
- Mental health
- Consult link
Hello hello hello! Welcome
back everyone. I’m so happy you are here.
So – I had my Master Mimd last weekend and I wanted to fill you in.
It was sooo good.
I had the privilege to join 35 amazing women to discuss how we can help change the world.
Most importantly, – how I can help you.
Each of us has a different set of people we want to help – from stop over drinking and over eating, to heartbreak, to making your way through divorce, to saving your marriage, to having a better sex life – and the list goes on.
Truly taking the level of mental health up a notch.
Do you know the one consistent theme I saw for every group being helped?
Author Brene Brown does a lot of work around shame.
She defines shame as an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
Shame sounds like “I’m not good enough”.
I hear this so often in the work I do.
If this is you my friend – I want you to know – I see you – and you are enough.
Just as you are.
See – shame may show up in layers, but it holds us back from doing the big things in the world that need to get done.
Shame is not a tool for change.
The work I do with clients is about getting through the shame storm and living on purpose.
It is not about labels or judgements.
It’s about knowing there is a safe place to make the changes you want to.
You know what is so interesting?
Sometimes we know the changes we want to make – like drink less – but because there is such shame around it we won’t actually admit we want it.
In fact, was talking to a women this weekend who was telling me she wanted to share this work with her girlfriends but was afraid of what they would think.
I told her – and I will tell you – share it – someone may not admit it, but she could totally be looking for just this help.
And also – I get it.
If I’m being honest – and for those of you that have been with me since the beginning – you may remember – I started out talking about wanting to help post weight loss surgery patients. I still do want to help them, but in my mind it was a good way to ensure people didn’t think I was the one who did the work on drinking less.
Like – I thought I was being sly .. lol – but really I was causing confusion I think – because I’ve never had weight loss surgery and I don’t know the specific struggles.
Once I got over myself and dropped the mind drama I can confidently say – I am a life coach who specializes in helping professional women drink less. You know why? Because I do know those struggles – especially women who are in sales and marketing and business owners.
So – I’m sure we will come back to another podcast on shame but I found it so fascinating at the meeting.
I’ll continue to share tidbits I learned throughout the upcoming podcasts as well – but today I want to talk about a struggle a listener sent me a message about.
And for all of you listening – please feel free to do the same – I love hearing from you and will develop podcasts on topics that seem to resonate.
I’ll put the email link in the notes – keep it simple for now – firstname.lastname@example.org – and remember weighs is weighs
So the message was specific to the service industry – but I also have this come up with
Sales people who are entertaining clients for dinners and I think it can actually spread into any part of our social life.
It’s the idea of people wanting to have an “after shifter” – or be able to socialize at an event, and still be in control.
This is absolutely attainable.
Im going to begin with a higher level overview to consider, and then I’ll suggest a tool to be able to use for each event.
To begin- Keep in mind – the motivational triad of the brain is such that it wants to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and do it as efficiently as possible.
So when we first consider cutting back on drinking the brain is going to see that as very painful.
It will tell you – you might die – don’t do it.
First – because it is something new – which is not efficient to the brain.
Second – our brain wants to tell us we will likely die because we fear what everyone else around us will think.
See as part of our survival we also have this idea of tribalism ingrained.
We’re meant to be part of a tribe and our brains seek out rewards that make us feel accepted, important, attractive, and included; all in the form of social rewards.
My goodness – look at social media these days – if that isn’t some form of needing social acceptance with all the posts of amazing lives I don’t know what is.
So I like to always remind people in my program – this is perfectly normal – nothing has gone wrong. Our brain is designed to work like this – but as we evolve we can change it.
Next – let’s dive into what is going on in your brain when you are having the after shifter, sales dinner, or social event with friends.
The biggest thing I hear is – something along the lines of – what will they think?
I can’t not drink – they will think I have a problem.
This one is so fascinating right?
Socially there is this stigma that you must be an alcoholic if you want to cut back.
Not true my friends.
This is not about being an alcoholic – it’s about wanting to become a person who wants to live on purpose.
It’s for my ladies that are tired of numbing and buffering their life away – and you guys – I’m talking about drinking in these examples but it can also be over eating or over spending. Anything that is keeping you from living on purpose.
Sorry – I digress a bit – but I get so fired up about this work.
Back to our social acceptance..
I think so many of you care what others think – and often to the point that you do and act in ways you really don’t want to – but you think if you do they will like you.Here’s what I’ve learned – it doesn’t matter what you do – people are always going to have their own thoughts about you.
And you can’t control that – no matter how hard you try.
You know what you can do?
You can allow them to be wrong about you. And if you don’t believe me about being able to control how they think about you – think about this – Have you ever been given a compliment you didn’t really believe or accept because you didn’t think you looked that good?
You know you have.. lol
So – are you drinking just because you think it will make the other person feel better is one thing to consider.
How often do you say yes, when you really want to say no?
Be curious and start asking yourself why. Our brains like to tell us it is going to be terrible and everyone will have something to say but that’s just because it is new to us – and we ourselves are maybe a little unsure about it ourselves.
That’s totally fine.
Let me ask you – If they questioned why you weren’t having heroin for example it would not be a concern right?
Because you are strong in your belief that is a non negotiable. The fact is, people are always going to judge.
Now you get to decide – should they judge the real you or who you are pretending to be?
Ok – The next question becomes – what is more important – your opinion of yourself, or theirs?
Take some time to consider that because the only one you can truly work on is yours.
So that is my higher level take on it – and I think it is so important to all of the work we do here. Really taking the time to think about how you want to show up.
Now – for a tool you can use for each event.
Making decisions ahead of time. This is so important because when you decide ahead of time you are using your ore frontal cortex and you are in complete control. You decide what
you want, and you keep the commitment to yourself.
Some examples may be –
I will complete my drink plan 24 hours in advance using my pre frontal cortex. If you haven’t already listened to episode 4 go back and you can learn about a drink plan.
Another decision ahead of time may be – I will not beat myself up for any reason
Or – if I do not follow my drink plan I will complete a write it down learn and move on sheet.
Theses decisions are not to come from a place of willpower or resistance. It is truly
Your chance to begin building the relationship you have with yourself by deciding in advance – and in fact it will help to reduce decision fatigue st the end of the day.
So Let’s say you are going into your after shifter or the dinner or the event.
Decide 24 hours in advance what it is you want to drink.
And really take the time to think about why you are making that decision.
Think about what may come up – for example – if someone asks why you are not drinking.
Some people will start with reasons like they are driving, or not feeling well but I want to let you know as you decrease your desire and continue to progress through this work, you gain your confidence muscle in just being totally ok with saying you only want one – no rationale needed.
It’s so good.
And you guys – honestly – after a couple of drinks those people don’t even really care or -remember what went on.
So make your decisions ahead of time and honor them. I would suggest starting with 3-5 decisions in advance and see how it goes.
Hopefully that helps!
This week I encourage you to be more mindful in what you currently believe about yourself – and what you want to believe.
Are you holding yourself back from reaching your goals at the expense of what others think? Decide today that you matter.
If you want to take this to the next level I just opened up a couple of free consult slots – it’s a great way to take a look at where you are now and where you want to be and see how we can work to get you there – I’ll put the link in the show notes.
Ok / that’s what I have for
You today – let’s circle back next week but for now – make it a great day – take care!