Ep. 14: The Manual
IN THIS EPISODE:
- Having a manual for other people
- Emotional responsibility
- Showing up 100% you
- Allowing others to be themselves
Hellloo hello hello – whats up my friends?
So many good things right?
Can you believe we are at the end of January already? Man, time flies.. I feel like it was just yesterday when my Aunt Pat told me to enjoy the 4 years of high school I was heading into – because they would go by so quickly and that, well that was for sure not yesterday..lol..
.. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t really think in my brain that I’m as old as I am .. I think I’m more like 25…hahahha.. and hey – I’m always saying how important our thoughts are right? Lol.. So I’m going with it.
Ok – today I have a good one for you.
I have to tell you – I think for me it was some of the most life changing work, and I really want to encourage you to be open to considering it because it will bring you such freedom.
Ok – let’s dive in. This is a game changer.
You all know what a manual is right?
Like the book of instructions you receive for most products.
Well today I want to introduce you to the same concept – but as a manual pertains to people in your lives.
Listen – we all have manuals for other people.
Here’s what I mean – you have a list of expectations you think they should follow.
So maybe you think your significant other should take out the garbage, or do the dishes, or pick up the dog poop, or send you flowers on your birthday.
Think about someone in your life you can use as an example.
You know what the funny thing is – most of the time we don’t even tell them we have this manual! Lol
I remember I used to get so worked up if my husband was home before me and didn’t empty the dishwasher for example.
I may have been known to be a little cra cra when this occurred, and he was just so calm and matter of factly said – oh, well I didn’t know – if you asked I would’ve.
To which of course I would be like – ask? Why should I have to ask? You should just know..hahah…
Omgosh. Such drama.
Actually, over my manual for him of doing dishes… which I had not even supplied to him to read, so he knew what he was “supposed” to be doing..lol..
C’mon – I am not the only one here – you are with me right?
So here’s the thing.
We can always have expectations or requests of people – that is normal right?
But what I want to offer is you don’t have to have your emotional happiness tied to whether they follow these requests or not.
Think about it – why are you usually making the requests – or why do you typically have a manual for someone else to follow?
Because you think you will feel a certain way if they follow it.
And if they don’t – you make it mean something terrible.
Like -omg – you didn’t take out the garbage or do the dishes you don’t care
– you don’t send me flowers on my birthday -you don’t love me.
Now – take a minute – do you really think not doing dishes means they don’t care?
You know why our brains go there?
Think about how we grow up.
We hear things like – if you don’t make your bed mommy will not be happy, or – don’t take that from Sally she will be sad, or you make me so angry when you.. insert the plethora of things that you think make you angry.
But here’s the thing.
I always talk about how our thoughts cause our feelings right?
So it’s never about someone else’s action – its about what we make it mean.
This is so good friends.
When you take emotional responsibility for yourself you are so empowered.
Not only is this concept different from what we are taught growing up- but for many of us that have gone to therapy – it’s kinda the opposite of what they say.
So in therapy it’s often you sit down – one person tells the other everything they want from them in order to meet their needs, and vice versa.
Now, each person knows what needs to be done to make the other person happy.
Well doesn’t that sound a little ass backwards?
How about we figure out how to make ourselves happy and not put that burden on another person.
Because if you haven’t already noticed – they are usually not super good at it..lol..
And why should they be?
If we can’t do it ourselves why do we expect someone else to?
Now – this is not like you stop caring about the other person.
It’s actually the opposite, because you care so much that you just allow them to be themselves.
You both show up as yourself 100% and form an amazing team.
Vs. you be 50% and they are 50% and you manipulate each other in order to do what you think needs to be done to make each other happy.
It’s way more complicated that way.
Here’s another thing to pay attention to – sometimes what happens is, you have a manual for someone, and your happiness is dependent on how well they follow it, and then when they don’t, you are disappointed, so maybe you may turn to the extra wine or food in order to feel better.. just pay attention
Because that tends to lead to more net negative results.
Imagine if you didn’t need the extra wine to feel better because you didn’t tie your happiness to their actions…hhmmm
Super side note – if you don’t believe me that others actions can not make us feel a certain way – I mean, like, that it’s our thoughts, not their actions..
Think of a time when you were in an argument – lol.. maybe about someone not doing what you wanted them to.
And then they apologized left and right but you were still so pissed because they didn’t’ do it.
They are trying to make you happy by apologizing and saying you were right, they say they will do it, but you are still angry… it’s because of your THOUGHTS that you are still angry… they are trying to take all the actions you think will make you happy but your thoughts are keeping you angry.
I promise you – once you understand this concept you can help ease some suffering in your life.
You don’t need them to make you happy.
It’s for sure always a nice bonus, but when you can each be yourselves and show up happy together, it gives you so much freedom.
So this week I encourage you to think about a manual you have for another person.
Try – dare I say – letting it go…lol.. well maybe at least start with a couple of pages in it.
I mean – here’s the last thing I will leave you with today.
I’m going to venture a guess that most of the time you end up doing what it is you expect them to do anyhow.
You may do it through anger – but you do it because it is important to you, for whatever reason.
You could also decide to think you are a total badass that can get it all done – because you do.
That feels way better than the anger.
The beauty is – you get to decide, what you want to think, as you create the life you imagine.
This is a big one you guys. It sometimes takes a little to wrap your brain around so if you want to dive into it a bit more and hop on a call to see if I can help – feel free to send me a message on FB or IG – mindfulweighs coaching.
OK – that’s what I have for you today. Let’s circle back next week – but for now, make it a great day – take care!